The Adventures of Heather
Index
The Camp
There once was a young girl named heather who went away to a camp.She thought it was going to be a nice relaxing time with her friends, but when she got there she found out that the whole thing was really a set-up to humiliate her.
She went along in the morning and everyone was really friendly to her… to start with. She suspected nothing, until she was shown her room.
The curtains and bed were lovely and frilly and it all looked very nice. It was just the “DIE HEATHER DIE” written in blood on the walls that bothered her somewhat. But she was determined to enjoy herself on this camp, so she quickly cleaned it up and forgot all about it.
Then there was a freak weather pattern that caused it to rain giant pigs and one fell on her and she died.
THE END.
Back to top
The Smell
There once was a young lady named Heather who smelled really, really bad. Nobody could stand the smell. She could be in a room in seconds, and it would still stink horribly for days. People thought of taking on her on camps and making her stand outside the tent to keep out the insects, but they could not sleep with such a horrible stink so near them.
One day, while heather was walking through the woods in the USA, a skunk smelled her and died.
THE END
Back to top
The Room
There once was a young lady named heather who always had a messy room. It was so messy that it made pig sties and rat’s nests look like houses from “House and Garden” magazines. It was rumoured that if you dropped a 20cent piece it would be an antique and worth 300 times its original value before it was found again.
One day a housekeeper was hired to clean it up. She seemed pretty determined,in spite of the warnings given to her. She had cleaned up messes in minutes that took others hours to clean. She had worked in hospitals and theme parks. She was the best of the best in cleaners.
The cleaner marched up to the room with a hundred large, tough garbage bags. She opened the door and her eyes glazed over. Her back stiffened and in a distant voice she commented that a grenade might improve things. Then she keeled over and fainted from shock.
THE END
Back to top
The Surf
The smelly young lady named Heather once visited the lovely seaside town of Port Macquarie. It was a lovely place full of happy people admiring the pristine coastline and diverse sea life. All was cheery and lovely until the weather started to get hot.
When people get hot, they generally start to sweat, and the smelly young Heather was no exception. In fact, Heather sweated exceptionally well. She glistened like a pig on a spit when it gets to that nice smelling stage and people stick slices of cabonossi in it to toast. Unfortunately, Heather, in the extreme heat, decided to take a swim. She had not even set foot in the water, when a drop of her extremely potent sweat fell in the water. Instantly, all whales in a 100km radius beached themselves and millions of fish swam to the other side of the world. Seaweed turned hot pink and crabs suddenly disappeared forever.
THE END.
Back to top
The Party
There was once a young lady named Heather who was invited to a birthday party for her loving brother and one of his charming friends. The party was to take place on some floating barbeque areas commonly termed “Barbeque boats”.
Our young heroine Heather was quite excited at the prospect of going on the barbeque boats as many of her loving brother’s friends were very charming and sported a great sense of humour. There were even rumours that they would be taking their shirts off to go for a swim in the river.
The day of the party dawned clear and bright. A lovely 25°C with only a slight chance of a shower of giant pigs. Heather made her way to the barbeque boats and was horrified to see one of her brothers friends whom she had forgotten about- Mr Slob! (Mr Slob is not is real name, which has been censored for privacy reasons).
Mr Slob seemed delighted to see Heather and gave her a great big greasy smile. Heather prayed for a giant pig storm to knock her (and/or Mr Slob) dead. Unfortunately no giant pigs came, so she felt obliged to smile back and ask how Mr Slob was.
At the soonest possible opportunity, Heather ran away and dived into the water, attempting to swim to one of the other barbeque boats involved in the party. To her dismay, she saw Mr Slob diving in after her. At the sight (and smell) of Mr Slob without a shirt on Heather promptly vomited and fainted and was instantly rescued by one of her loving brother’s charming friends. Mr Slob was mauled by a passing shark who mistook his body odour for that of a sack of rotting fish. Another of the loving brother’s charming friends (who claimed to be a great fisherman) harpooned the shark and saved Mr Slob. The charming friend took the shark on board and proclaimed it an Australian record.
Heather woke up in the arms of one of her brother’s charming friends and fainted again from shock.
The party continued until some silly fool decided to tie rubber chickens to himelf and dance around waving a very large cucumber and singing a song about vinyl swimming trunks. Everyone agreed that this had thoroughly spoiled the atmosphere of the party and went home.
THE END
Back to top
The Lizard
There was once a young lady named Heather who loved to eat mountains of green juicy grapes. She would lovingly peel each sumptuous morsel of grapy goodness with her teeth and gently caress the pulpy insides with her tongue. This would continue until she got bored and could not stand to see any more grapes ever.
Once young Heather reached this stage, she would become violent and unstable. There was no telling what she would do in this dangerous state of mind. Her friends and family learned to anticipate the onset of such attacks, and conveniently be in another town (or preferably another country).
Often in this terrible state, Heather would pick up her mountain of grapes and set off in search of innocent lizards to torment. She would silently stalk the hapless lizard, then bombard it with grapes, throwing with horrible accuracy. Even when the poor lizard tried to escape, she would follow relentlessly, firing grapes and cackling wickedly.
One day while Heather was walking through Tokyo, eating grapes, Godzilla recognised her from when he was a youngster, and stepped on her. Heather died.
THE END
Back to top